Confession

I wish that I did not have to share this post.  I guess, in fact, I don’t really, but something inside tells me that it is important to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. And unfortunately, the ugly is in my heart.  As I look back in my prayer time this week, I was praying for God to reveal Himself as… The Compassionate and Gracious God…The Unfailing God who will never leave or forsake me…The God Who is Full of Mercy…and My Plumb Line.   Therein lies the problem: God is a God who hears and answers prayers, but not always like we expect or even desire. In His goodness, He answers in a way that draws us back into relationship with Him.  So yesterday, I was reading this blog about another family who is adopting from the Congo and they finally got the referral for their children.  They are so excited and filled with anticipation, just like us…just like the other families that are going through this process.  I know their joy and their pain…I have experienced it…So I thought my response would have been one of rejoicing with them, but instead I panicked.  My thoughts went immediately to Miriam and where we are in the process…What if they get their children before us…This just means more paperwork in the system…Maybe their agency knows a secret to getting the paperwork pushed through faster…It’s not fair, Miriam has been in the orphanage for so much longer.   Can you see the selfishness in these thoughts?  My Plumb Line helped me to see it.  This is what Isaiah 28:16-17 says:

Therefore, this is what the Sovereign Lord says:
“Look! I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem,

    a firm and tested stone.
It is a precious cornerstone that is safe to build on.
    Whoever believes need never be shaken.

 I will test you with the measuring line of justice
    and the plumb line of righteousness

When I tested myself against the justice and righteousness of Jesus, I came up lacking. Isn’t that always the case, though?  In fact, isn’t that the whole reason we need Jesus? So, The God Who is Full of Mercy made Himself real to me in the forgiveness that comes through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.  Yes, those are what my initial thoughts were, but I don’t have to stay there.  I can allow the Holy Spirit to live in me and rejoice with those who rejoice.  So, I am rejoicing with this family!  What a thrill to finally be able to see the face of your children after you have been praying and waiting for them for so long.  God had to remind me that He is the Compassionate and Gracious God not to only me but to His entire creation.  How limiting on God for me to think that He could care for only one orphan out of the 150 million orphans in the world.  He is the God of unlimited compassion and grace.   Psalm 103 reminds me:

The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
    slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
    nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
    he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him

 is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. 

He has removed our sins as far from us
    as the east is from the west.
The Lord is like a father to his children,
    tender and compassionate to those who fear him.

So, I trust Him to be like a father to Miriam and to the children in Liberia at the Bishop Judith Craig Children’s Village and to the children around the world without an earthly father.  I praise God that His compassion is available to all! He is a God of abundance and not scarcity…He is able to do abundantly more than we can ask or imagine!  Finally, God had to remind me that He is the Unfailing God.  When I saw Him working on behalf of this other family, I felt forgotten.  Our paperwork is somewhere in the system, and we don’t really have an idea of when it will all be completed.  My heart wanted to know that God was at work on Miriam’s behalf, and He had not forgotten her or me.  And then I went on Facebook and a friend had posted Miriam’s picture and put that she was praying for this sweet girl and her family.  Another friend sent me an email saying she was praying for Miriam.  What a blessing God gave me through these friends because He assured me He was at work in ways that I couldn’t see or imagine.  I find this journey of adoption to be filled with struggle and pain but also with blessing.  The blessing comes through getting to know God better and seeing His character revealed in the process.  I am so grateful when He turns my mourning to dancing and my self-centeredness to praise and my unkind thoughts to gracious words. I echo the words of Paul in Ephesians 3:

 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.  Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen